A lot of people has quit on me before, Its nothing I am not used to. Even my own parents cant even fight for me, but its something I grew myself into. I'm a fighter, always going to be one, never a quitter. Frustration fuels my flame, and sometimes I think to myself wether or not to take this route or that route because it may be or may not be worth it. It's funny being ridiculed for feeling what youre feeling. Things should be compensated for, balanced, neutralized, and not pushed over the ledge just because people feel as if it has been enough. I just need to accept the fact that certain attention will pass by me and go to others, while my attention stays to one person. May seem as if its not true because of what happened in the past, but these are my true feelings. I feel as if I should apologize for my own feelings, like I dont have the right to feel the way I'm feeling because when I do, people leave me cuhz theyre sick of my shit.
Tell me, is it right to pull someone back when theyre sick and tired of your pathetic self? Hoping for some sympathy and hoping for a better day not going through some shit? Maybe I am unfair in a lot of ways, but to be honest.. I dont even know myself anymore, who I am, or what the fuck I've turned out to be. I've been busy trying to mend things, trying is the stem word here felluhs. Nobody's perfect, and if you want something to work, you both have to meet halfway. Maybe I have reached the maximum level of my capabilities of caring. Everyone is right, when you care too much, you get hurt too much. But thats the thing, we care so much because we love so much, and theres no other emotion that could top that. Well, maybe there is one, and its being alone. But I highly doubt that, haha.
I want to find another job, as a matter of fact I am already. I wanna work 16-18 hours a day, occupy myself, and just make money, save up for my future and what ever the fuck the world has to offer to me. I wanna go home exhausted as fuck, and just go straight to sleep, wake up, shower, work, pick up the kids, go home, eat, go back to work, go home, jack off, then sleep, wake up and do the same routine. But sometimes you dont really get what you want, Hah, thats me apparently. I tend to want a lot of things but I dont get most of them.
Crazy how I can't really truly vent 100% to people, but only to my own self. Crazy how this cycle always happens. I swear, it always happens when the anniversary is on the way. Maybe its a sign, but I dont want this sign to predict my fucking future or take the opportunity away for me to be happy. Shit, I seriously need a fucking punching bag. I'd rather hurt physically, than any other way imaginable. Hah, maybe I should continue that P90x shit since I do wanna get hurt physically right? Fuck am I doing, bullshittin.
Thank you blogger, MY blogger for never judging me, never quitting on me, or never making me feel any stressed. You truly are the only means of my soul-lifting, soul-searching persona. I promise you, you will never be neglected. I've broken numerous promises out there, but this is one of the promises that will never be broken. You'll be alive til my 1st born, 2nd born, or even 3rd born has been pooped out of my future wife, wherever you may be... I promise you I will love you more than I love myself. Its just the person that I am. I dont expect anyone to understand me, even myself cant understand me.
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