I didnt keep my words "Needa get away. Need some alone time to figure out what path I would want to take in the future & not make decisions based on my current mood because I was mad." I took a day off, It wasnt enough because I missed you, I missed you a lot.. I needed more time than a day. It was my fault for giving in. I thank the coldness at night for keeping my mind running slower than normal. It relaxes me and helps me think of situation after situation, even if it is just right outside the door or not, it calms me down. Sometimes I think to myself and ask myself, why this, why that, then I get the answer, but I am just too blind or too naive to realize things.
I want to stay disconnected from everyone after this blog post. I want to miss that person not because I am comfortable with talking to her everyday, but miss her genuinely because we're gonna be apart for a couple. I want to appreciate things more & her more, Vice-versa. I want her to miss me not because she hasent talked to me, but just genuinely miss me as a person. I wanna be thought off you know cuhz it feels good to know that, the person you truly care about is thinking about you, how youre doing, or what you may doing kinda thing. I obviously know what I want, I know where my heart lays, & I know where it wants to be for a very long time, but I have my own issues to work on. Maybe being alone for a week or so will help me. Help me rehabilitate my actions and feelings. I've been mad and furious lately, always wanting to punch things. I've been so frustrated at myself. I want it to work, I truly do. So before I work on us, I have to work on myself. Being away from everything for a week should make me realize what I truly want, what I truly miss, or what my heart has been seeking for.
As tough as the day goes by on the daily, I tell myself not to quit, not to stop my footsteps because even if they are baby steps, it only wants to reach one end of the road and its happiness with her and her only. Tonight, I felt a pain I have never experienced before. I wondered how that even happened. Was it because I reached the highest point of being angry and frustrated that it literally took a toll on my chest. That stabbing pain was nothing to fuck with, but you know I would rather go through that on the daily than the pain of a break-up. I don't want her and I to just tolerate one another, I want her and I to complement each other, like how we used to.
Here I am in the living room, writing my distorted feelings all over depending on what song plays on my iTunes. Long story short, I want this time away to appreciate her more. I want this time away for her to stop stressing. I want this time away for some self-realization. Fuck, I just miss YOU so damn much. Not you as in the person I turned you in to, but YOU, the person I fell in-like with and shared the butterflies with. Just know that I am willing to make it work if you help me... We can get through anything possible if we help each other out. I know I may misunderstand you most of the time, but at least know that I am trying... because if I wasnt or didnt want to, I wouldve walked away a very long time ago. Just know that I am trying.
See you guys next week
Sincerely, John Anthony.
Post a Comment