I dont know how to start this off.. Im all boggled everywhere, don't know what to do. I know ultimately what I want and need in my life, but I guess its taken its own toll on me. I guess this really is me, insecure, always worried, and paranoid, when I truly shouldn't be. I know how the person I love the most acts, how she treats me and how she's going to treat me.. But I guess I was blinded by my own green monster. I'm seriously lost, I would keep fighting til' I see her love someone else, I truly would because this is where I belong... but maybe this isn't where SHE belongs. I'm just being selfish because she provides me with everything I need, and I am stupid enough to make stupid decisions for me to lose what I have. I guess I'll have to always have to learn the harder way, and improve by my own self. You were my #1 priority, and you still are. I know I make decisions a 15-year old would do and I don't blame anyone else but my own self, you have done nothing wrong and you said if I love you, I should let you go..
I'm never going to be ready for that, but you made it really clear that you don't want "us" anymore. This is what I was talking about De Javu... hah' and here it is happening right in front of my face. I know for a fact you could easily move on from the pain and unattach yourself from something you were comfortable of, something that did make you happy once in your life. It's given, I love you with all my heart, and I know these past few days, weeks, months will not get any better. All I want is for you to be by my side on the daily, through thick and thin, through every thing, but you have had enough of all of it, and like I said, I don't blame anyone else but me. Maybe its time for me to stop being selfish and let you live YOUR own life once again... but I really don't know. My heart is torn every time you walk out on me, and your heart gets torn every time I do you wrong. I could have swayed "us" to a better life, a more stable life, something we both want, but my insecurities and jealousy ate it all up.
I want to keep fighting for you, but you would not let me. It's your time to be happy now, You're a big girl and instead of worrying about other people's happiness, its time to take care of yours like you said. Thank you though... for always thinking about my happiness even if I gave you hardship most of the time. My heart is going to have to learn that it lost you, and its going to have to get used to beating at its own pace other than beating with someone else's heart. Now I get what that Astrology book was talking about when it said about "deteriorating." Maybe I really couldn't save it. I wish I could have, but enough is enough. Thank you for all the chances you have given me. Literally thank you for everything. I should live up to that phrase "Let it go, if it is meant to be, then it will come back to you." But I know for a fact if I do let it go.. It will NEVER come back because of how we choose to be after the real break up. I would still want to be a part of your life some how because I know I will be loving you as long as I can remember, but some things are just not meant to happen.
I have to man up from my mistakes and just go through this hardship on my own. I mean, everyone goes through it.. Why cant I? I love you so much, I would do anything for you, and give up my own life for you. I can't and will never forgive myself from what I have done to this relationship that means literally everything to me, but in your eyes, it doesn't mean as much. I guess my actions tell you that, but its alright.. There is no other option to do but to really let you go. I know I have yet not accepted it, because I really want to keep on fighting.. but how?
Thank you for showing me a love no one was ever close from showing me. Thank you for protecting me in your little own ways. Thank you for constantly making my heart live. Thank you for sharing all the happy moments, the hardships, the pain, the joy in my little nieces & nephew's eyes, the tears, and everything else in between. Thank you for the best 9 months of my life. Thank you for never lying to me, never having the intention to hurt me other than walking out on me. Thank you for showing me the light and showing me the ways to a better life whether it be physically or emotionally. Thank you for being the best I have ever had.. Wish I could change it to HAVE, but you would not let me. I hope all of this is just a phase, and I'll have you back in a week.. but the chances of that are slight to none. I have never cried so much for a woman before and I know I will constantly be crying myself to sleep. I'm not scared to admit this because it is true. Thank you in advance if you decide to want me back in your life in some sort of way.
This weekend I will be at Welk's Resort being an emotional wreck because the first trip, you were there with me. I would probably even see myself sitting on the same spot we sat together on at that night and ball my eyes out listening to my blackberry, constantly thinking about you. I dont think that will ever stop.. not for a while atleast. My mind is exhausted, theres so much I want to say, but I cant find the strength to concentrate my mind and tell it how to tell the story.. All I fucking know is that I'm gonna stay loving you as long as I can remember.
Nam-Hai Bluee Luong Nguyen, thank you so much for everything. I wish the both of us the best of luck. I don't want to let you go.... I really dont.. Tell me what to do, please.. I do not want to move on.. I want to stay stuck on your love for a very long time.. but I just... sigh* If letting you go is the only way for you to find your genuine happiness.. then I'll sacrifice my heart for it.
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